Brandon's Notepad

November 20, 2013

I’ve Heard It All 2012

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≤2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015


The quotes below were added to my I’ve Heard It All! list in 2012.


Father: “Hey son, Mom told me you were smoking turkey this morning, just like me.”
Four-year-old Son: “Well, I was just pretending.”
Father: “I see. And were you helping to smoke the meat too, honey?”
Three-year-old Daughter: “No, I was making the rest of dinner.”


“Yep, I was up brewing vinegar all night long.” [a friend on cleaning his coffee maker for the first time]


“Hi, my name is [Shawn] and I’m the new warts rip over and y’all’s subdivision. I’m gonna be taking over for [Marie]. I was just calling…” [a “visual” voicemail; “warts rip” was supposed to be “warranty rep”; hey, at least it transcribed “y’all” correctly]


“Users cannot log in. Users are frozen.” [description of system user problem]


“Process monitor reported three Fatal alarms on ghandhi.” [serendipitous server name]


We review reported system problems in a weekly meeting. A problem that hasn’t happened “again” or “a second time” could be a random fluke and can be closed after a reasonable period of time. Imagine our surprise when the person investigating one problem reported (slip of the tongue) that “the problem hasn’t happened yet”! The movie Minority Report came to mind almost immediately. Oddly enough, eleven problems later, another presenter was describing a false positive reported by a file-checking routine. The solution? “Modify the routine to not look into the future.” Eerie.


“The solution is under investigation by vendor.” [we’d be happy if the vendor would investigate the problem first]


“Now we download everything, all the time, every day.” [solution to issue with an automated download]


Apparently, one of our systems will crash if all seat licenses are taken and an additional user attempts to log in. I’ve nicknamed this the Russian Roulette license manager.


To reset your password for the account firstname.lastname@company.com, please answer your hint question.

Password Hint Question:
What is your last name?

[epic website security fail]


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