I’ve Heard It All 2014

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The quotes below were added to my I’ve Heard It All! list in 2014.

“Gee wiz, there’s mortal sins all over that.” [coworker considering lyrics to All Me by Drake]

“Grant Ruth remote access to e-mail and Kelly.” [This was a handwritten formal request submitted at work (with names changed). The requestor failed to add a caret (proofreader’s mark) to indicate that “and Kelly” should have been inserted between “Ruth” and “remote”, meaning that both needed remote e-mail access. I momentarily considered ordering an ankle monitor and demanding that Kelly surrender a copy of her house keys to Ruth.]

“Chocolate makes your brain happy!” [seven-year-old upon learning in school that chocolate has health benefits]

I told a coworker good morning as she passed by my cubical. Now, I didn’t actually hear her response, but the guy that sits across from me said, “Wow, I think you just got the ancient grunt of acknowlegement!”

“As long as we have signoff, anything is possible.” [filed under give-an-inch-take-a-mile]

“I so enjoyed the nursing home bombing.” [coworker’s commentary on Breaking Bad episode]

“They are cross-pollinating like bees on LSD!” [read: the programmers checked in the code under the wrong project]

“The zoo is having a ‘meet the animals’ event that afternoon, so we need to meet my parents at around 1:30.” [wife; not technically a Freudian slip]

Coworker 1: “Blah blah blah” (irrelevant cubical banter)
Coworker 2: “(laughs) …Oh, you’re killing me!”
Me: (annoyed by the chatter) “No. That would feel much different.”

Father: “Your teacher told us that you didn’t take a nap today. Why?”
Daughter: “Because my pillow smelled.”
Father: “It smelled bad?”
Daughter: “Yeah, like running chickens.”

“If I’m running with the Kenyans, then I’m gonna expend more energy.” [coworker; discussing efficiency of walking vs. running]

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