Brandon's Notepad

August 11, 2010

Un-Fortune Cookies

Filed under: Humor — Brandon @ 9:21 am
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Has anyone else noticed that fortune cookies don’t always carry fortunes? A friend pointed this out to me one day. Yep, there’s a slip of paper in there, but the message isn’t necessarily about your future, health and prosperity. (Well, they’re never actually about those, but that’s a different post). Below are categorized messages from real cookies that we’ve collected.

Oh, and this book might have potential: The First Book of Tasteless Fortune Cookie Fortunes by Joe Wang.

fortune cookies

Actual Fortunes. These phrases address the reader and impart some (supposed) knowledge of the reader’s future, immediate or distant. Of course, they are so vague that readers can assign some meaning to them based on their own circumstances.

  • A refreshing change is in your future.
  • You will discover the truth in time.
  • Everything will soon come your way.
  • The one you love is closer than you think.
  • Your mind is filled with new ideas, explore them.
  • Today means action. Carry out your plan.
  • You will become known for your generosity.
  • You will be sharing great news with all the people you love.
  • Today is probably a huge improvement over yesterday. (Probably!? How noncommittal is that?)
  • You have the ability to touch the lives of many people.
  • If your desires are not extravagant, they will be granted.
  • You will make a name for yourself.
  • People have great respect for you.
  • A pleasant surprise is in store for you soon.
  • Something on four wheels will soon be a fun investment for you!

Good Advice. The following phrases could be classified as inspirational or motivational, but at the very least they simply convey some nugget of good advice.

  • Do not hide your feelings. Let others know where you stand.
  • Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly. (uncited quote, St. Francis De Sales)
  • Do your work with your whole heart and you will succeed. (uncited quote, Elbert Hubbard)
  • When you are comfortable, you can do anything.
  • Release your energy in a productive way.
  • You have a charming way with words. Send email to a friend.
  • Win as if you were used to it, lose as if you enjoyed it for a change. (uncited quote, Ralph Waldo Emerson)
  • Hear with your ears but listen with your heart. (uncited, Proverbs 22:17)
  • Set the right example. It will inspire others.
  • The simplest answer is to act.
  • To lower your stress level, get a cat.
  • Embrace this love relationship you have!
  • Don’t be fooled by first impressions. (Wait for the second one.)
  • If you’re feeling down, try throwing yourself into your work.
  • Don’t be surprised by the emergence of undiscovered talents!
  • For success today look first to yourself.
  • Tomorrow is a new day; you should begin it well and serenely.
  • Check an item off of your to-do list. Prove you can follow through.
  • Take no risks with your reputation.
  • The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
  • Time to tie up those loose ends into beautiful bows.

Food for Thought. Phrases in this category are thought-provoking, but have nothing to do with the reader’s future per se. They can’t even be classified as good advice. They are just statements, though they may contain wisdom. Many are also famous quotes.

  • Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple. (uncited quote, C. W. Ceran)
    (Friend reduced this to “Genius is simple.”)
  • In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity. (uncited quote, Albert Einstein)
  • The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. (uncited quote, Lady Bird Johnson)
  • Patience is easy to wish for and difficult to achieve.
  • A visit to a strange place will bring you renewed perspective.
  • A diet is a selection of food that makes someone rich.
  • It is sometimes better to travel hopefully than to arrive. (uncited quote, R. L. Stevenson, Virginibus Puerisque)
  • A great man never ignores the simplicity of child.
  • Hope is the most precious treasure to a person.
  • Love is like war; easy to begin but very hard to stop. (uncited quote, Henry Louis Mencken)
  • Education and intellegence aren’t the same thing!
  • Nothing’s perfect.
  • Grand adventures await those who are willing to turn the corner.
  • The great and glorious masterpiece of man is how to live with purpose. (uncited quote, Michel de Montaigne)
  • Love is the most valuable thing in life.
  • In this world it is not what we take up, but what we give up, that makes us rich. (uncited quote, Henry Ward Beecher)
  • Meaningful relationships bring meaning to life.
  • Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness. (uncited quote, Frank Tyger)
  • Honesty and friendship bring you fortune.
  • Frequent conversations will fill your heart with joy.
  • The book should be a ball of light in one’s hand. (uncited quote, Ezra Pound)

Lottery Numbers. I remember when fortune slips didn’t include lottery numbers. Now, they are seemingly universal (exception: when the restuarant name is printed on the slip). Maybe someday we’ll have enough data to form an opinion on how random the numbers are.

All writing is in blue ink. There are solid blocks in the corners. The numbers may be on the front or back. Includes a Chinese lesson Fortune is printed on the front in black ink. The lotto numbers are printed in various shades of red or brown ink on the back. Fortune is printed on the front in black or red ink. The lotto numbers are printed in green ink on the back.

July 2, 2009

Great Bumperstickers

Filed under: Humor,List — Brandon @ 10:00 pm

The following is a list of sayings that I have either found on bumperstickers or think would make for good ones.


  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Human Nature

  • Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
  • To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.
  • Good things come to those who wait, but bad things show up right away.
  • You have a point … but if you wore a hat, no one would notice.
  • I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.


  • The Opposite of Progress is Congress.
  • God will judge Bin Laden. Army Rangers will set up the meeting.
  • He ain’t Kinky, he’s my Governor. [Kinky Friedman gubernatorial campaign, 2006, Texas]
  • My Governor is a Jewish Cowboy [Kinky Friedman gubernatorial campaign, 2006, Texas; response to pro-Jesus ‘My Boss Is A Jewish Carpenter’ sticker]


  • USMC: When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight.


  • Products of Berkeley U: LSD and BSD. Coincidence? [adapted from quote attributed to Jeremy S. Anderson]
  • Yes, I use Linux. So SU Me. [pun on Unix ‘superuser’ command and reference to Microsoft’s litigious nature]
  • My other computer is a Tandem NSK [spoof of the ever-popular ‘My other car is a _____’ sticker, but intended for use on laptops]
  • If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the precipitate. [science redirection]
  • Go away or I will replace you with a very small shell script.
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