I’ve Heard It All 2015

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≤2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015

The quotes below were added to my I’ve Heard It All! list in 2015.

“I like having the light on [at night]. It gives me more room to see.” [seven-year-old]

Parent: “C’mon, think outside the box!”
Child: [looks around] “What box?”

Parent: [surfing web] “…and this is a ticket to the game when Hank Aaron beat Babe Ruth’s home run record.”
Child: “Oh wow! [pause] Maybe we could go?!”

“That’s the only thing I’ve heard in stone.” [Coworker…I think he does this to me on purpose.]

Problem: The file format changed.
Solution: [Bob] resolved the issue by fixing the format of the file that gets sucked into this process.

[Because “fixing the format of the input file” might confuse someone.]

“We want to know when [Bob] creates chaos-monkey situations for us.” [A manager..wait, what!?]

“I want the application to know what I want before I have to type it in.” [One user’s software requirement]

I’ve Heard It All 2014

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≤2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015

The quotes below were added to my I’ve Heard It All! list in 2014.

“Gee wiz, there’s mortal sins all over that.” [coworker considering lyrics to All Me by Drake]

“Grant Ruth remote access to e-mail and Kelly.” [This was a handwritten formal request submitted at work (with names changed). The requestor failed to add a caret (proofreader’s mark) to indicate that “and Kelly” should have been inserted between “Ruth” and “remote”, meaning that both needed remote e-mail access. I momentarily considered ordering an ankle monitor and demanding that Kelly surrender a copy of her house keys to Ruth.]

“Chocolate makes your brain happy!” [seven-year-old upon learning in school that chocolate has health benefits]

I told a coworker good morning as she passed by my cubical. Now, I didn’t actually hear her response, but the guy that sits across from me said, “Wow, I think you just got the ancient grunt of acknowlegement!”

“As long as we have signoff, anything is possible.” [filed under give-an-inch-take-a-mile]

“I so enjoyed the nursing home bombing.” [coworker’s commentary on Breaking Bad episode]

“They are cross-pollinating like bees on LSD!” [read: the programmers checked in the code under the wrong project]

“The zoo is having a ‘meet the animals’ event that afternoon, so we need to meet my parents at around 1:30.” [wife; not technically a Freudian slip]

Coworker 1: “Blah blah blah” (irrelevant cubical banter)
Coworker 2: “(laughs) …Oh, you’re killing me!”
Me: (annoyed by the chatter) “No. That would feel much different.”

Father: “Your teacher told us that you didn’t take a nap today. Why?”
Daughter: “Because my pillow smelled.”
Father: “It smelled bad?”
Daughter: “Yeah, like running chickens.”

“If I’m running with the Kenyans, then I’m gonna expend more energy.” [coworker; discussing efficiency of walking vs. running]

I’ve Heard It All 2013

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≤2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015

The quotes below were added to my I’ve Heard It All! list in 2013.

“Btw, I appreciate that you use your brain. Thanks!” [best compliment from a coworker ever!]

“I itch like a stinkin’ monkey with chicken pox.” [How can you possibly know that?]

“I didn’t tell him not to not do this.” [coworker infamous for writing “Do Not Deploy This Time” on instructions for incremental code deployments]

“Are you going to need anyone from my team to support this [weekend] deployment?…I mean…are you going to need me?” [coworker in meeting of about 40 people trying not to sound selfish…and failing]

“I’d like to thank [James] for his assistance in solving this problem, and um, [Jenny] too, for her attempt to provide assistance…[room filled with oooo’s, laughter, and stunned looks, especially on Jenny’s face]…um, ok, that came out wrong…” [one for the meeting blooper reel]

“Will this [e-mail rule] work the way I have it set up?”
“Yes, it will! Now, ask me if it is going to work the way you want it to work.”

Project Manager: “Do we need a header at the top of every slide?”
Developer 1: “I don’t think we need it on every page.”
Developer 2: “We should probably add a cover page then.”
Project Manager: “Yeah, good idea. Go ahead and add a cover page.”
Developer 1: “Ok…[thinking]…Does every page need a cover page?”

“We’re just driving the ice cream truck…and eventually we’re just selling Koolaid.” [Management Proverb]

“Hey mommy, pretty soon, I’d like to go to the moon.”

I’ve Heard It All 2012

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≤2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015

The quotes below were added to my I’ve Heard It All! list in 2012.

Father: “Hey son, Mom told me you were smoking turkey this morning, just like me.”
Four-year-old Son: “Well, I was just pretending.”
Father: “I see. And were you helping to smoke the meat too, honey?”
Three-year-old Daughter: “No, I was making the rest of dinner.”

“Yep, I was up brewing vinegar all night long.” [a friend on cleaning his coffee maker for the first time]

“Hi, my name is [Shawn] and I’m the new warts rip over and y’all’s subdivision. I’m gonna be taking over for [Marie]. I was just calling…” [a “visual” voicemail; “warts rip” was supposed to be “warranty rep”; hey, at least it transcribed “y’all” correctly]

“Users cannot log in. Users are frozen.” [description of system user problem]

“Process monitor reported three Fatal alarms on ghandhi.” [serendipitous server name]

We review reported system problems in a weekly meeting. A problem that hasn’t happened “again” or “a second time” could be a random fluke and can be closed after a reasonable period of time. Imagine our surprise when the person investigating one problem reported (slip of the tongue) that “the problem hasn’t happened yet”! The movie Minority Report came to mind almost immediately. Oddly enough, eleven problems later, another presenter was describing a false positive reported by a file-checking routine. The solution? “Modify the routine to not look into the future.” Eerie.

“The solution is under investigation by vendor.” [we’d be happy if the vendor would investigate the problem first]

“Now we download everything, all the time, every day.” [solution to issue with an automated download]

Apparently, one of our systems will crash if all seat licenses are taken and an additional user attempts to log in. I’ve nicknamed this the Russian Roulette license manager.

To reset your password for the account firstname.lastname@company.com, please answer your hint question.

Password Hint Question:
What is your last name?

[epic website security fail]

I’ve Heard It All 2011

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≤2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015

The quotes below were added to my I’ve Heard It All! list in 2011.

“There are differences in culture and then there’s stupid people who just happen to be there.” [coworker]

“People bring their little problems to me all the time. It makes me want to hold them, and shake them, and tell them ‘you’re only this big, you know’.” [coworker]

“I need your magical merging fingers.” [coworker needing assistance on merging two versions of a source code file]

“I’m not a bad bad boy! I’m a good bad boy!” [a certain four-year-old in conversation with his little sister]

“She’s blonde. She wanders around being blonde all day. It’s her nature.” [coworker describing daughter]

Colleague 1: “We noticed that you haven’t been using the batch files we wrote for this.”
Colleague 2: “That’s because I’m faster than the batch files.”

“All they had to do was win!” [coworker / sports genius]

“Hey, I invited you to a meeting. <pause> You are not going to like this.” [subtle coworker]

I’ve Heard It All 2010

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When I first posted my I’ve Heard It All! list online in August 2010, it was a compilation of quotes from the office where I had been working for the previous several years, plus quotes from high school, college, and other places of employment. All of the quotes on this page came from that workplace or other conversations that occurred about the same timeframe. The earlier quotes have been retained on the original post.

“It’s just the General Ledger.” [coworker, discussing a backend change to correct data]

“Accounting lies – indicated that they can’t modify this field.” [coworker’s interpretation of another’s poor handwriting; original was “Accounting has indicated…”]

“Include this system in the D.O.R.K. report.” [same coworker’s typo; actual acronym for the report is something else]

“They won’t be bored as long as they keep themselves occupied.” [a mother, preparing for a long car trip with the kids]

“Beginning tomorrow, or perhaps sometime in the past, our new software deployment schedule is, or rather, was now on Tuesdays and Thursdays instead of Tuesdays and Fridays as it was in the paster past, so that it should have been reflected as that which was in the attached document now. This has been confirmed by management and will be communicated to the development team so they will be aware of the present that is now.” [E-mail sent by manager after being unilaterally circumvented on a schedule he owned]

“Happiness is bliss.” [coworker with a gift for stating the obvious]

“I do not have a work request to separate the changes under that I did. Can we go with the changes as are for Me, You have my teammate new work request for the project.” [coworker, grammar retained]

“I’ve got pumpkin envy.” [coworker, office Halloween pumpkin carving contest]

For family reasons, a coworker had to discretely dispose of some live goldfish at home. After mentioning this in conversation at work, the office was divided as to whether or not this was the “right thing to do.” One disapproving colleague wrote him an e-mail with the following quote:

“God pours life into death and death into life without a drop being spilled.” ~Author Unknown

To which another promptly responded:

“Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea…” ~God

“The break room is back in working order. The new cabinets have been installed and all appliances have been returned. There is still work to be completed, so bare with us while the wall covering and new carpet are competed. Thank you for your patience and understanding.” [E-mail regarding office renovations]

I’ve Heard It All

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≤2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015

I’ve heard a lot of things in my life, in both academic and professional settings, things that have made me say to myself “Well, now you’ve heard it all!” The most memorable are also the most funny. I originally posted this list online in August 2010 to capture the ones I found myself repeating in conversation. These are real quotes from family, friends, and coworkers. You can’t make this stuff up, folks!

Note: this post has grown by about eight or ten quotes a year and was starting to get unwieldy; therefore, I decided to break up the list by year. Below are quotes from the original post that were uttered prior to 2006, plus any I may add as they are brought back to mind. I’ve also removed the few cartoon captions that appeared on the original post.

“No, it’s a lot less like that and a whole lot more like something else.” [college roomate having trouble collecting his thoughts]

Boss: “Ok, it’s time. Please run the upgrade.”
Coworker: “We can’t right now. Users are still logged in.”
Boss: [checks terminal screen] “Oh, it looks like they left some open sessions running.”
Coworker: “Do you want me to kill them?”
Boss: [pause] “The users or the sessions?”

“The wind held me back.” [favorite excuse of a former boss given to him by a former coworker when asked why she didn’t show up on time one day; in her defense, it was rather windy that day]

Me: [reading telemarketing script] “…could I interest you in one of our…”
Potential Customer: “Look, I’m [having a lovely time with] my girlfriend right now. Could you call back later?”